Sober(ish) Spirograph(ish)

Yep, that's right. Crafty Hour went Sober January - or Dryuary? That's not really a better way to say it but whatever. Anyway, what do you do when you're rocking a Sober(...ish) January? You choose a 90'S SNACK THEMED craft. You should also choose an easier craft but hey, I think at this point it's safe to say we all know I'm bad at all levels of crafts. 

But I'm especially bad at Spirographing. 

BUT WE HAD FUN RIGHT.  

BUT WE HAD FUN RIGHT.  

What You Need For Sobering Spirographs:

A spirograph kit!

A friend with a spirograph kit! 

A zen AF attitude

Sweet sweet 90's nostalgia

 

What You Need For 90'S THEMED SNACKS:

Bugles

Munchos

Sour Ropes, etc 

weet sweet 90's nostalgia

 

What You Need For Sober(ish) January: 

Root beer

Guinness (or your fav stout)


Disclaimers!

Sorry this isn't really a craft and more just a blatant brag that I have friends who have Spirograph kits. BUT you could also think of this as inspiration for your own Crafty Hour! And isn't that what I'm here for? No seriously, what I am doing.

If you want real inspiration, check out this bish. I honest to God have no idea how she does it. Cuz it's so harrrrrd.


Got a bugle on every finger? Sweet, let's spiro. 

1.) Get all those snacks out. 

I mean, obviously this is step 1. 

I mean, obviously this is step 1. 

2.) Get out all your supplies and then take a million snaps before doing anything. 

3.) Spirograph! There are like, a million different little circles and shapes and tools. And depending on what notch you use changes the shape, etc etc etc. Basically it's a lot of trial and error. Mostly error. 

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE SPIROGRAGPH

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE SPIROGRAGPH

4.) The most important thing when Spirographing is to like, zen the fuck out. Because the second you get even a little excited/confident, this shit happens:

5.) We call it "getting air" but basically it means your little tool thing hops and you get dumb squiggly lines. And, yes I uploaded a snap to vimeo to show you this video. That's how committed to Crafty Hour/slow my life is. 

6.) Soooo yeah, that's that. Just keep shoving bugles into your mouth and trying to spirograph as slow as possible. And remember to send out those snaps. 

7.) Needless to say, none of these ended on the fridge. 


Part II - Putting The "Ish" In Sober January(ish)!

AKA Drinky Drinky time! 

 

Sober(ish) January

1 Guinness (or your favorite Stout)

1 Root Beer

 

Empty out half of your Root Beer. Drink it? Pour it out? You're an adult, do whatever you want. Then pour half of the stout into your Root Beer bottle. Drink it out of said Root Beer bottle while telling everyone you're doing Sober January. 

Yes this is a picture of wine but I think you get the point. 

Yes this is a picture of wine but I think you get the point. 

Well I have a rule that once an "alternative fact" enters a blog, it's time to wrap it up. I hope you enjoyed this weeks(ish) Crafty Hour and it brings you hours of friendship happiness. 

Until next time...

Until next time...

Drilling for Wine

You know what's boring? Lame wine stoppers. Is that a thing? Probably not. But you know what's fun? Drilling leftover toys to turn them into wine stoppers. Why do I have leftover toys as a woman without any children? Why are you asking me so many questions. 

But hey, maybe you have kids so you have leftover toys. And if you have kids, you probably love wine. It might be your favorite toy, actually. So let's bring together both toys through the holy matrimony of drilling things.

Man this really got off course. 

Haha, look at that sad ass doorknob one. Forgot about that guy. Hahaha. 

Haha, look at that sad ass doorknob one. Forgot about that guy. Hahaha. 

What You Need For Mommy's Favorite Toy:

(Leftover) Toys

Wine Stoppers - cork or metal

Drill and its various accessories(?) 

Spray Paint

GLITTER

 

What You Need For Wine

Wine

More Wine 


Disclaimers! 

I don't...know how to drill. Did you know you need "drill bits?" Or a "drill bit?" Weird. But where there's a will (9 bottles of wine), there's a way. 

You can use different kinds of stoppers, as I said above. I happened to have a legit wine stopper that I think was a gift? But it was ugly so I took it apart. And there's always the cork wine stoppers. Their lives are short but sweet, much like the toys we put on them and the wine we drink out of them or something. 

Um, be careful. With the whole drinking wine + drilling shit. Seriously, don't get hurt guys. 


One bottle down? Let's drill stuff!

1.) Acquire your toys! Spray paint your toys! GLITTER your toys! 

2.) If you're using a cork as your stopper, you need to drill a screw through the toy and/into the cork. And then you're done! huzzah!

He should probably be wearing safety things and not just holding the cork with his bare hands. Buuuuut, ya know. 

He should probably be wearing safety things and not just holding the cork with his bare hands. Buuuuut, ya know. 

3.) If you're attempting to use a legit metal stopper, you need to drill a hole into the toy first. But probably not like this:

Definitely not like this.  

Definitely not like this.  

4.) Now that there's an attempted hole in the toy, take the stupid ugly thing off the top of your legit wine stopper (see below) and then screw it into the hole you made in the toy (like above but better). 

Ya know, I think this might have belonged to an ex. Hm. Anywho, I took that ugly R thing off. 

Ya know, I think this might have belonged to an ex. Hm. Anywho, I took that ugly R thing off. 

5.) Tadaaa....!

I really did have roommates when I took this photo. Promise. 

I really did have roommates when I took this photo. Promise. 

5.) From here you basically just continue to drink wine, find toys and drill them into corks. It can get weird...or inspired. 

Your call, really. 

Your call, really. 


Part II - Time To Acquire More Wine Stoppers "For The Craft"!

AKA Drinky Drinky Time!

What you need for wine:

Yeah that'll do it. 

Yeah that'll do it. 

Well I have a rule that once a legit concern for alcoholism enters a blog, it's time to wrap it up. I hope you enjoyed this week's Crafty Hour and that it brings you hours of friendship happiness. 

Until next time....

Until next time....

Holy Chrismukkah Balls

It’s December, and that means holiday stuff! Yay. Time to get out those decorations and make your home look like a tacky explosion of Ernest Saves Christmas.

 Just kidding, we’ll make super classy, non-holiday-specific, don’t-have-to-take-down decorations. Because, as I’ve said before, if you don't have to take your decorations down, you don't have to put them up so don't make religious decorations.

I don't think I've ever said that. 

What a lovely "tree ornament."

What a lovely "tree ornament."

What you’ll need for Christmakkuh Balls:

Clear Glass Ornaments

Fake Butterflies

Dried Moss

Twine

Poking Sticks

Other Stuff You Have Laying Around That You Want To (Creatively) Throw Into a Clear Ornament

 

What you’ll need for Kentucky Mulled Cider:

Apple Cider

All Spice

Bourbon

Cinnamon Stick

Lemon


Disclaimers!

"Other Stuff You Have Laying Around That You Want To (Creatively) Throw Into a Clear Bubble" = anything from feathers to tissue paper to pine cone bits to sand to tree branches, to...wait why do I have so much junk laying around? Pine cone bits?

Poking/stuffing sticks can be a variety of things.  We used chop sticks? But you can also use pencils. Or anything long and skinny. 

As it turns out, the moss kinda smells, the glass can break and the butterflies can have a pretty hard time getting into the ornaments. So, moral of the story = keep those buzzed fingers nimble and your disappointment in check. 

I’m aware there’s no real tie together for the drink and the craft. But, I like hot drinks and I like bourbon. And this is my blog that no one reads so, ball me. 


 Ball me. 

1.) Pick what kind of ball you want. They come in various sizes and some are iridescent. So, ya know, decisions.  

2.) Gather all your stuff to stuff. 

Don't forget the dreidel and also what a ridiculous photo. 

Don't forget the dreidel and also what a ridiculous photo. 

3.) Start stuffing! If you want to do a terrarium-type ball, put your moss in first. And MAKE SURE to use your stuffing stick cuz those glass balls are not nice and will quite possibly cut you like a bitch. 

Just poke it in. 

Just poke it in. 

4.) Put your butterfly in! Which...is....tricky. Thank goodness you aren't using a real butterfly? Weird!

5.) So wipe your tears, pay your respects/pour a drink and then just gently try to guide the next butterfly into the ball. Tell yourself you can do this.

6.) Start poking/moving the contents in your ball around to make it look nice. Stop paying attention. Immediately wreak havoc.

So what you're saying is, I have to be careful when I'm crafting. That or I'm the hulk. 

So what you're saying is, I have to be careful when I'm crafting. That or I'm the hulk. 

7.) Wipe your tears, pay your respects/pour a drink and then just..start over. Cool. 

8.) Ok now that we're all caught up and not crafting amongst shards of glass, put the top/metal thing on. 

Yep, like that. 

Yep, like that. 

9.) Tie your twine through the metal top and hang it. But rather than show you how to do something you learned in first grade, I'll show you pictures of what else we put in our balls. Because you don't have to do a terrarium, gasp. You can also do Tissue Paper Chrismakkuh Balls, Sequin Chrismakkuh Balls, Chrismakkuh Twine Balls, Chrismakkuh whatever. Will all of them look good? I mean, you know that answer. The answer is no:

10.) And I mean, if we're going that crazy, who's to say you even have to hang it on a tree? 

WE'RE SO WACKY. 

WE'RE SO WACKY. 


Part !! -  The Real Holiday Tradition

AKA Drinky Drinky Time!

 

Kentucky Mulled Cider

1 cup Bourbon

4 cups apple cider

1 thinly sliced lemon

6 cloves

½ tsp. ground allspice

2 small sticks of cinnamon

"They" say to combine 1 cup Bourbon for every 4 cups of Apple Cider. But, ya know, it's the holidays so let's just say that's open to interpretation. Once you figure out how "Kentucky" your milled cider is going to be, add 1 thinly sliced lemon with rind, 6 cloves and 1/2 tsp of ground spice and 2 small sticks of cinnamon to the pot that everything is in. Oh yeah, put everything in a pot. Heat to a boil, let it slightly cool. Serve. Speak with southern accent upon sipping.  

Mmmm mammy this is good ya'll. Or something. 

Mmmm mammy this is good ya'll. Or something. 

Well I have a rule that once a "get real drunk around family" suggestion enters a blog, it's time to wrap things up. I hope you enjoyed this week's Crafty Hour and that it brings you hours of friendship happiness. 

Until next time...

Until next time...

Look At This Dumb Balloon Bowl

Whoever said, "Hey you should throw a bunch of confetti together with Mod Podge, put it on a blown up balloon, let it dry and then pop it to get a super cute bowl it's so easy" is a dirty liar. Then again, the person who said "Cool that sounds like a good idea maybe I'll add things like glitter and googley eyes too it's gonna be so easy" is probably worse. (That's me).

Anyway, who's excited??

Mine. 

Mine. 

Pinterest. 

Pinterest. 

Say what you want (it's terrible) but that top bowl is currently holding my TV remote/other junk on my coffee table. So, go figure. I'm a hoarder.  

What You Need For Balloon Bowls

Confetti

Balloon

Mod Podge

Bowl

Foam Paint Brush

Something to hold balloon

Glitter (but not really)

Googley eyes (always but not really)

 

What you Need for Prosecco Peach Bowl Punch

Peach Nectar

Prosecco

Raspberries 

Blueberries

6 Friends or a huge glass


Disclaimers!

As-per-the-usual, I went off the book on this one. I probably shouldn't have, meaning the glitter and googley eyes were (surprisingly) a terrible addition. It still would have looked like trash though. 

Patience is of the essence here. If you mess with it before it's dry, it's gonna get even more sad. 

I have no idea where those Pinterest liars found that cool confetti. Maybe a real craft store? All I know is that Party City had a million kinds of confetti but no pretty tissue paper dot confetti. Would it have helped? I like to think so?

I still have no idea how much Mod Podge I should have used. 


Here we go! 

1.) Gather up all the things you think you need and spend a lot of time taking pictures. 

The only good looking picture in this post/possible blog. 

The only good looking picture in this post/possible blog. 

2.) Blow up your balloon, find a random vase to put it in. This will help when you're painting on your Mod Podge, I promise. Then pour your mod podge in a bowl and get ready to get weird. 

I'm telling you, this balloon/vase combo is gonna be awesome. 

I'm telling you, this balloon/vase combo is gonna be awesome. 

3.) Start spreading that sweet, sweet Mod Podge all over your bald balloon. 

Awkward? Awkward. 

Awkward? Awkward. 

4.) Sprinkle the confetti on, then spread more Mod Podge on.

5.) Keep repeating this awkward process until it looks like this? 

Looks like Ronald McDonald had a weird night.

Looks like Ronald McDonald had a weird night.

6.) Do NOT put glitter on at this stage. Which is what I did. You don't.

7.)  Let it dry for like, a million hours. Or maybe 4?

I guess this is considered dry (Hint: It was not. Also, ew.)

I guess this is considered dry (Hint: It was not. Also, ew.)

8.) Balloons be popping! Read: Now you pop your balloon and peel it off like a dead skin mask. 

Hahahha man. What a bummer. 

Hahahha man. What a bummer. 

9.) You can like, trim the sides/try to give it a better shape/give up. Whatever you choose to do, yay us. 

Yay. 

Yay. 


Part II - Champagne be poppin!

AKA Drinky Drinky time!

 

Prosecco Peach Bowl Punch

3 cups Prosecco 

2 cups Peach Nectar 

1/2 cup Blueberries

1 cup Raspberries

 

Pour it all into a bowl (not the one we just made) and drink it. Serves 6. Or 2 overly "ambitious" crafters. True story. 

Which is why I had to steal this from the Internet, because I "forgot" to take a picture of it. Oops!

Which is why I had to steal this from the Internet, because I "forgot" to take a picture of it. Oops!

Well I have a rule that once obvious plagiarism enters a blog, it's time to wrap it up. I hope you enjoyed this week's Crafty Hour and that it brings you hours of friendship happiness. 

Until next time...

Until next time...

GLITTER BOMBS

Well, I attempted a Super-Cute-DIY-Snow-Globe-Peppermint-Schnapps-And-Hot-Cocoa-Post. But guess what. I'M NOT LIKE THEM.  

Sigh. The snow globes were a big pile of fail. But, like they always say in crafting, a mistake isn't a mistake, it's a discovery. Or some shit. 

And boy did I discover. 

And boy did I discover. 

What You Need For Valentines Day GLITTER BOMBS:

Glitter, All Kinds

Dolls, All Parts

Distilled Water (?)

Crazy glue

Jars

Beads

Glycerine

GLITTER

 

What You Need For a Saint Valentines Day Massacre:

Blood Orange Juice

Gin

Campari

Rhubarb bitters

Bitterness


Disclaimers!

DO NOT USE BABY OIL. I did, because other craft blogs were all “oooh you can use baby oil instead of glycerin if you want because I like watching you fail.” Use glycerin. I blame part of the failure on this.

DO NOT USE PLASTIC OBJECTS. There are many reasons why. But the creepiest reason (somehow) is that glitter sticks to plastic like a lazy writer sticks to similes. I blame all the failure (or awesome) on this.

For whatever reason, these same “craft blogs” recommend using distilled water. Which is boiled water that is then cooled. Which, dumb.

If, while paying for four plastic naked dolls, the Goodwill lady asks if you make doll clothes, JUST SAY YES.

It’s always best to have a craft equivalent safe word. You’ll see what I mean.

I’m very sorry.


Well, here goes nothing. 

1.) Save some jars! Pick out some jars! Raid your friend’s JAR SHELF.

And you thought I was kidding about a jar shelf. 

And you thought I was kidding about a jar shelf. 

2.) Gather your materials into a creepy pile on the floor.

How do I have friends. 

How do I have friends. 

3.) Decide what you want in your jars and….make that happen.

It's probably best that this is blurry. 

It's probably best that this is blurry. 

4.) Make sure it fits in the jar.

Dang. Back to the jar shelf. 

Dang. Back to the jar shelf. 

5.) Once you've found objects that fit into your jars or vice versa, glue your object(s) onto the cap. 

Nothing to see here. 

Nothing to see here. 

6.) Let them set!

That cork did not help at all. 

That cork did not help at all. 

7.) While you're waiting for them to dry, fill your jar with things you’d like floating around in there. Like glitter....or a doll's leg. 

8.) Pour in the stupid glycerin (not baby oil) and distilled water. Make sure to account for density and other nerd things.

And thus "began" our "downfall." 

And thus "began" our "downfall." 

9.) Before we put the cap into that hot mess, we need to put glue on the edges of the cap. So it won’t leak. The hot mess. 

10.) Pop that sucker in there. Over a sink cuz girl, you never know. 

Sealing the deal. Get it. GET IT. 

Sealing the deal. Get it. GET IT. 

11.) Ta..daaaaa…

...aaaaahhhhhHHHH!

...aaaaahhhhhHHHH!

12.) Put them in a bag. Pout. Drive home. During said drive, continuously wonder what will happen if a cop pulls you over and then obviously arrests you once he sees what's in this bag. Do you think jail is like Orange Is The New Black? Hmm. Make it home. Stare at bag wondering what can actually come of this.

14.) GOT IT. 


PART II – Bringing Magic! To Valentines Day!

AKA  Being a bigger creep!

So, what do you do with jars of clumpy glitter, doll parts and overall feelings of badness? On Valentines Day?

1.) Hide it in his bed!

Love you, mean it! YOUR PILLOW SMELLS LIKE YOU. 

Love you, mean it! YOUR PILLOW SMELLS LIKE YOU. 

2.) Hide it in their bathroom!

You're the best BUT YOU'D BETTER FUCKING CALL ME. 

You're the best BUT YOU'D BETTER FUCKING CALL ME. 

3.) Place it on a doorstep!

Miss you WHY DIDNT' YOU CALL ME

Miss you WHY DIDNT' YOU CALL ME

4.) Line them up outside of an apartment!

xoxoxoxoxxxxI THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL

xoxoxoxoxxxxI THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL

5.) It got weird didn’t it?

Does this help? I'm not a total monster? Safe word. 

Does this help? I'm not a total monster? Safe word. 


Part III – Let’s Forget That Just Happened.

AKA – Drinky Drinky time!

 

St. Valentines Day Massacre:

1 oz. Blood Orange Juice

1 oz. Gin

1 oz. Campari

Ice

Few dashes of Rhubarb bitters

Pour the blood orange juice, Gin (or as my grandma calls it, Panther Piss) and Camparini over ice in a high ball glass and stir. Scream while adding the dashes of rhubarb bitters.

What dolls? What are you talking about? Where am I? 

What dolls? What are you talking about? Where am I? 

Well I have a rule that once Panther Piss enters a blog, it’s time to wrap it up. I hope you enjoyed this week’s Crafty Hour and that it brings you hours of friendship happiness.

Until next time....

Until next time....

Acid Etching With Mom

SEO tells me I should also say something like, DIY etching bridal gifts, DIY champagne flutes, etch your own champagne flutes for your wedding, fun and personalized wedding gifts, DIY weddings!

Ok thanks, wanted to get that out of the way. So, at one point I did a post for my best friend's bachelorette party. Considering I used her bachelorette party as a Crafty Hour, it should come as no surprise that I used her wedding for a Crafty Hour. I am a very non-selfish person like that.

It should also come as no surprise that my mom helped me. And by helped me, I mean she basically did it. 

I didn't get a picture of the finished glasses, for some reason. But here is proof that they liked them. Right? They look happy to have them?

I didn't get a picture of the finished glasses, for some reason. But here is proof that they liked them. Right? They look happy to have them?

What You Need to Etch Champagne Flutes:

Nice Champagne Flutes

Glass Etching Kit

Water

Paper

Paper towels

Paint Brush

Mom Who Can Tell You What To Do

 

 

What You Need For Always A Bridesmaid:

Mount Gay Silver Rum

Lime Juice

Simple Syrup

Sparkling Wine

TEARS


Disclaimers!

Glass etching is really easy, and there are a lot of different kits/ideas out there. Out there = craft stores and the Internet. You can use it for all sorts of fun projects/gifts. Google stuff for other ideas. They probably have better directions.

In true "my mom" fashion, some of our techniques are a little unconventional. I.e. most blogs recommend using rubber gloves. To which my mom says, “Stop being a baby.” For those of you who might actually do these crafts (hahahaha JOKES) you should use gloves. Or a different site. Also, these directions are basically my interpretation of what my mom told me to do so...yikes. 


Get The Acid Ready Because We’re About To Take A Trip Down "I Don’t Understand My Emotions" Lane. 

1.)  "Do something" with a piece of paper to make sure the etchings won’t be too close to the lip of the glass (where you drink). I believe this means that you should measure how much space you want for the "lip" and then cut the paper accordingly. Then place that piece of paper (or probably tape) to mark the spot you want? I think? And this is why I have such a hard time crafting, guys. We call this a "break through" in therapy. 

2.)  Have a quick, but intense mental breakdown about what symbols and letters to use while your mother points them all out.

I KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE THIS ISN'T HELPING WHERE IS WINE

I KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE THIS ISN'T HELPING WHERE IS WINE

3.) Dry your tears, take a drink and cut out whatever element you decided on. Then carefully place said element exactly where you want them on the glass. They usually have adhesive backs.

There's that god damn piece of paper again.  

There's that god damn piece of paper again.  

4.) Apply the acid onto the stencil. And be careful not to get any on you. Especially if you aren't wearing gloves. Ahem. 

Ok, everything seems to be going well here. 

Ok, everything seems to be going well here. 

5.)  If you do get acid on you, don’t panic. Just wash it off. Ain't no thang. Nothing to worry about. 

GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME. 

GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME. 

6.)  Pretend like nothing happened while you let the acid sit on the stencil for about a minute, and then wash it off.

We're doing just fine. Just.fine. 

We're doing just fine. Just.fine. 

7.)  Pat it dry. Gently, with a paper towel. Sweet. 

8.) If you’re going to put something on the other side, do steps 2-7 again. But on the other side. You get it. Or if you're going to make another layer on the same side, do steps 2-7. This is fun. 

See - I layered the O and the G. Great picture, right?

See - I layered the O and the G. Great picture, right?

10.) Finally, marvel at the work you did and wrap it into a lovely box before you get a final picture of them oops!


Part II: As If Acid With Your Mom Wasn’t Enough.

AKA: Drinky Drink Time!

 

Always A Bridesmaid:

 1 ½ oz White Rum

1 tbsp Lime Juice

½ tsp Simple Syrup

Ice

Sparking Wine (because only brides get champagne)

2 tbsp TEARS

Combine rum, lime juice and simple syrup in a shaker with ice. Shake. Strain into a chilled white wine glass. Think about your friendship with the bride and wonder out loud if you’ll ever have what she has and why did she choose bright pink bridesmaid dresses when she knows you don’t look good in that color life is sooooo hard. Realize you're alone in your apartment. Garnish drink with tears from previous step. Might as well use a lime too, why the fuck not. This is your day. 

Did I say white wine glass? Well maybe this is my white wine glass. 

Did I say white wine glass? Well maybe this is my white wine glass. 

Well I have a rule that once the drinks with entire limes enter a blog, it’s time to wrap it up. I hope you enjoyed this week’s Crafty Hour and that it brings you hours of friendship happiness.

Until next time....

Until next time....

 

Bachelorette Favors To Make Your Friend Question Her Choice for Maid-of-Honor

My best friend is getting married. Which means that I was in charge of the bachelorette party. Which means I did a Crafty Hour at her bachelorette party. 

Penis Straw Drink Differentiators!

Penis Straw Drink Differentiators!

Wedding night undies! 

Wedding night undies! 

As you can imagine, things got out of hand. 

What You Need For DIY Penis Straws:

Straws

Scrapbook Paper

Scissors

String

Sssssss

 

What you Need For Decorate-Your-Own Wedding Night Undies

A Better Name that you can make into an acronym

Ginormous Undies

Hot Glue Gun

Puffy Paint

Glitter

Flowers

Other Various Items from your Craft Closet 

A Craft Closet

Sigh.

 

What You Need for The P.Diddy:

Ciroc Coconut Vodka

Club Soda

Penis Straw


Disclaimers!

"The P.Diddy" isn’t a very bachelorette-party themed drink name. It's not even a drink name, actually. I just made that name up because it’s his vodka. However, it is very tasty and no-frills. So if you’re planning a bachelorette party and have a thousand other things to worry about, just do this. Also, it has 69 calories so THERE. SEXUAL REFERENCE.   

I continued to find puffy paint on various parts of my dress throughout the night, so maybe do these before you change into what you’re wearing. And maybe don’t ask me why there was puffy paint on my ass.

Walmart is a great place to find ginormous panties. Do with that what you will. 


Let's Martha Stewart Some Penis Straws!

1.) Get a bunch of different kinds of scrapbooking paper. The more variety, the better. 

The more animal print the more waaaaay better. Obviously. 

The more animal print the more waaaaay better. Obviously. 

2.) Draw a bunch of penises (free-hand or with a stencil) on the blank side of paper. Giggle the entire way. 

Hahaha oh man. I am terrible at drawing penises! But that hasn't stopped me before and it certainly won't stop me now. 

Hahaha oh man. I am terrible at drawing penises! But that hasn't stopped me before and it certainly won't stop me now. 

3.) Cut out allllll the penises. 

4.) Now, I hate to pull a "size matters" but it does. As I've learned (...in this craft...) the larger the penis, the more real estate (ahem) you have to work with. 

It's just common sense. 

It's just common sense. 

5.) Rather than try and put the straws through the penises (let's call them markers from now on cuz it's getting weird) I threaded a string through the top and base of the marker and then tied the string to the straw. 

This blurry, terrible picture only shows a string through the top. But trust me, you want to do the bottom, too. 

This blurry, terrible picture only shows a string through the top. But trust me, you want to do the bottom, too. 

6.) Let people choose what penis suits them best and enjoy! 


Part II - Onto the Granny Panties!

AKA Lovely and Respectful Wedding Night Undies!

1.) Gather up your granny panties The bigger the better. 

2.) Have a few drinks. 

Covered. 

Covered. 

3.) Decorate with no shame. Tip: The longer you decorate, the less shame you have.